We needed to have a meeting for this?

Well, it turns out that tampons are not the only thing that clog the pipes here at our little oasis. Yes, this is a post about toilets. Again. But not just toilets. It's about meetings about toilets. And the need to have toilet guards.

So we didn't really get to any toilet stuff at the first all-hands meeting after our site manager got back from vacation, because it was rudely interrupted by baddies trying to kill us. A couple of days later, we finally go to it. And it was good.

Let me preface by saying that I am still a proponent of educating Foreign Nationals (FNs) on "western" toileting methods, i.e. don't stand on the toilet, use the toilet paper, don't use water bottle as bidets, etc. If this involves pictures or an actual demonstration, fine. It needs to be done. One cannot expect people who have never been exposed to a certain method of doing something to magically acquire the knowledge to undertake said task in said manner.

When the toilet units were first installed, each stall had a sprayer. Think: the kind you have on your kitchen sink. Because they were part of the toilet unit, I am going to assume they were, in fact, intended for bidet purposes, in the absence of an actual bidet. So the people used to using a bidet to clean their behinds after pooing were using them. The result? Water and shit all over the place. Awesome. So they took the sprayers out of all but the last stall of every toilet trailer.

Turns out our ass-washing FNs are pretty resourceful: they started bringing water bottles into the toilet trailer to use, since they no longer had the sprayer in every stall. Pretty ingenious, I think. The result? Water, shit, and water bottles all over the place. Actually, they were pretty good about throwing the water bottle in the "tampon troughs". Emphasis on the "were". Someone decided ... decided, actually made a conscious decision ... to flush a water bottle. Yeah, the whole thing. Well, the whole thing, in two halves. THEY CUT THE BOTTLE IN HALF! And tried to flush it down the toilet. Guess what happened? IT DIDN'T WORK! The bottle got stuck. (Shock) The toilet had to be taken apart to remove the bottle.

Naturally, this pissed off the powers that be. They are pretty possessive of their comfort trailers (I don't blame them) and screwing them up makes them angry. So another all-hands meeting was called. I initially refused, because the last one didn't go so well, but was told that I had to go, if I wanted to ever use the toilet again. As I am a fan of flushing toilets and not being very, very, very cold when I pee, I decided to ignore my trepidations, and go to the meeting.

It was pretty short and to the point: flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet and you're getting fired. Bring anything but the clothes on your back into the toilet trailer and you're getting written up. And then the ultimate in awesomeness: Toilet Guard was established. We had to provide our name and ID number when we entered and the number of the stall we used when we left.

Naturally, this annoyed me, because I am a responsible toileter, but whatever, I'll play the silly game. I went to the bathroom, not long after Toilet Guard had been established, with my new tentmate, Security Lisa (cool chick, ex-Army), only to discover that someone had PISSED ON THE SEAT! So after wiping it off, using the toilet responsibly, and washing my hands, I walked out of the trailer, gave the Toilet Guard my stall number, and said "Whoever used stall #2 last PISSED ON THE SEAT". I felt like a 3rd grader, albeit with a potty mouth, and decided I was going back to using the porta potties again until they abolished the Toilet Guard position, because I decided it was asinine. (In case you were wondering, it wasn't a conscious decision to go to the toilet WITH Lisa, we just happened to be going to the same place, at the same time, for the same purposes.)

It only lasted another day or so, but it remains to be seen if that particular problem has been solved. Apparently, we are working toward a new one, though. I was stopped, on my way to the toilet, by our head Operations guy, who told me that he is now finding wadded up balls of shit-covered toilet paper in the trashcans. I am pretty sure this is because the FNs are making an effort to toilet in a western style, but since they have never been shown, and have been yelled at several times about flushing stuff, they are now wiping with toilet paper (yah), but throwing it in the trashcan (boo), so they don't get in trouble for flushing something they aren't supposed to.

It's a vicious cycle. A vicious cycle that I am certain will be a major topic of discussion at our next all-hands meeting. I'm considering making a power point presentation and/or handouts to provide to all personnel on how to conduct one's toilet in a socially acceptable manner. It will probably be the best power point presentation ever assembled for any purpose ever.

Any volunteers for the pictures?