Michelle's Guide to Communal Living

Communal living. It's not for everyone. I'm not really a huge fan myself, but it's what we have here, therefore, I will live with it. I have stayed in my fair share of hostels, and have well-traveled Friends, who have also experienced both the joy and the pain of a communal living situation. I'm not an expert, by any stretch, but I do have a lifetime of experience trying to be a decent, considerate human being. I haven't always been successful, but I try.

So here we go: rules to try to live by when faced with a communal living situation:

1. Plastic bags - they are the devil. Crinkling plastic bags are the bane of a communal living area. They are LOUD. You can try to be quiet with them, but it doesn't work. Ever. NO PLASTIC BAGS.

2. Slamming doors - don't do it. Unless you are making a dramatic statement during an argument with a significant other, doors do not need to be slammed. Especially at 5am, when you are the only one awake. If you can't take the time to gently close a door, go live the fuck outside where you don't have doors.

3. Lights - ever heard of a flashlight? It was on your packing list. Your very bright light does not need to be turned on at 5am, nor does it need to be on at 11pm. You were told to bring a flashlight. USE IT. If you didn't bring one, too fucking bad, turn your gosh damn light off, people are trying to sleep.

4. Heat or A/C - it does not need to be all the way up or all the way down. Every fucking day I walk into my tent and the stupid chicks have the heater turned all the way up to 90 fucking degrees. You can sterilize surgical instruments in my tent, it is so fucking hot. I'm pretty sure this is contributing to my computer not working properly. So every day, I turn it down to 75 degrees. A reasonable temperature, at least 30 degrees warmer than it is outside. For fuck's sake, it is going to be hot enough here in a couple of months, do we really need to experience it now? I can't wait until summer when they are all crying because it is hot enough to fry an egg on a wooden deck and the ECU is broken, because they froze the compressor. Haha bitches, I'm going to the fire station.

5. Food or drink - if everyone's clothes smell like what you are eating or drinking, you need to not bring that shit in the tent. I enjoy the smell of coffee. I don't drink coffee, but it smells nice. If, however, the coffee is so strong that the little hairs inside my nose fall out, then get that shit out of the tent. And bringing food in means the mice have something to look for. It's not like the tent is sealed and rodents can't get in. I am going to laugh at you when you see a mouse and scream like a little bitch because you left food out.

6. Doors - unless someone is going in or out of one, they should be closed. Do you want someone to steal your shit? Then leave it outside, unattended. If my shit is inside the tent, I don't want it to get stolen. Leaving doors open invites in everyone to steal your shit. My shit gets stolen, someone is getting punched in the face. More than once. Also, open doors invite in flies. Flies suck. Flies crawling on your face when you're sleeping really fucking sucks. I don't care where you are from, that's just nasty.

7. Loud talking - use your indoor voice please. Unless your indoor voice is really loud, then just shut the fuck up. We live in a tent. It's not very big. It's pretty open. Your voice travels. Please, keep it down. If I have my headphones in while watching a movie, and I can still hear your conversation clearly, you are too loud. Shut up. If it is after 10pm, take your shit outside to chat. Unless you can do it quietly, then you may remain inside. Do I care how cold it is outside? Not if you are loud. Also, no one wants to hear your music, no matter how cool you think it is. If you want us to check out a song, because you think it is awesome, that's cool, but ask us first. Don't just blare your shit for the universe to hear. It just pisses the Taliban off more. They wish their girlfriends were hot like me. (That's a lame song reference, in case you were wondering.)

8. If it isn't yours, don't touch it - seriously. Keep your mitts off of my shit. It may not be worth a lot, it may not be high class, but it is MY shit. Not yours. Mine. I'm not going to touch your shit without your permission. Don't touch my shit without mine. Touch my shit without my permission, and we are going to have problems.

9. Common courtesy - use it. If someone smiles and says hello, say hi back. Don't be a bitch and ignore people. That's just rude. I'm not saying you have to say hi to the same person 14 times a day, because that gets silly, but the first time, say hi back. If it's been several hours and you pass them again, a "Hey, how's it going?" is not out of order. Also, it's not polite to say "Wow, you look rough today" first thing in the morning. I was just woken up by you slamming the fucking door at 5am. It's not "rough", it's "pissed", you should learn the difference.

10. There is no 10. I tried to make a 10, but I think I have managed to get all my frustrations out in the first 9.

So there you have it. Michelle's guide to communal living. Learn it, live it, love it. Or get the fuck out of my tent.

(We have an all-hands meeting later today that will possibly be not only about using the toilet properly, but also proper places to masturbate. If we get a lecture on where to masturbate, there will be another blog soon.)